Matteo Rabottini has made a full confession after his positive doping test in 2014. "I was on the street when I bought a bottle of 5000 units of EPO and syringes for 300 euros. I went home and put it in the refrigerator. I injected 500 units that day, August 3, and 500 the next day, directly into a vein in the arm," he telles La Gazzetta dello Sport. The Italian cooperated with the International Cycling Union (UCI) and the Italian National Olympic Committee (CONI) and was given a reduced suspension of 21 months which will end on May 6. He claims that he only broke the rules once and that he has paid the price.

Rabottini, 28, was left alone when his doping positive was revealed. "I had no one.  I was in hell and everybody left me. When news about the positive came, my dad took it very badly (Luciano was a professional in the days of Moreno Moser). Since then, my mother and he have not spoken to me. I also lost my partner with whom I have a son. They say that time will fix everything, but it is not true. It is hell. And it hasn’t changed. So I will say to all young people: 'I know what hell is. Do not make my mistake, because when you know what happens, it is not worth it. I guarantee that. Trust me, you lose everything and there is no return,” he says.

The Italian remembers how it all started. "After 2012 with my stage win in the Giro, I was not able to return to those levels. I was not riding well. I had always lived without doping. But little is needed to cross the border. Where money is part of the game, it's all done for money. I only succumbed once in my life as a rider, knowing what I did, and I have paid the price. Just tell me that it hadn’t happened," he says. Rabottini had his breakthrough in 2012 when he was the king of the mountains of the Giro and took a great stage win in Pian Resinelli ahead of Joaquim Rodriguez.

"I wanted to win. And I wanted to continue to win. And you wonder 'why not again'. Everything came naturally to me in the beginning. No one forces a rider to dope. And then there is a day when someone comes to you and says 'this new EPO can’t be detected, it has a miraculous effect’ and instead EPO has destroyed everything. The rider is weak. I have not asked for advice from anyone. In fact, I didn’t say anything to anyone. The desire was to break the rules and that is something you cannot tell anyone, not even your family. In fact, I did it all when my parents went on vacation in early August 2014 and I was home alone.”

He even tells about those who supplied him with EPO. "It was an ex-profesional from the east. I mentioned the name to the CONI anti-doping prosecutor and the police have done an investigation," he says. "We were in the street. I bought a bottle of 5000 units of EPO and syringes for 300 euros. I went home, put it in the refrigerator. I injected 500 units that day, August 3, and 500 the next day, directly into a vein in the arm. It was a new world for me, but in that moment I did not fear anything. You do not think about the risks. For me it was nice to come into a new world that would fix everything. It had to be a miracle. On August 7, I was sleeping at home when they called for a surprise control. I was calm because I had bought something that was not undetectable. At 7:40, I gave a blood and urine test. I could not sleep anymore. You have a thousand thoughts, a thousand questions and no answers. Until it finally arrived. On September 12, the first email came and then I got a call from the UCI. I was with my son watching cartoons and had not seen the e-mail. It was 17:30. That day my life ended and I went into hell," he tells La Gazzetta.

He felt that he "betrayed the trust of everyone." "[Team managers] Scinto and Citracca. I never called them since because I was ashamed. I betrayed the trust of [Italian national] coach Cassani who had just selected me for the national team. I betrayed my family, friends. Now it is only my grandfather Guido who calls me. Going from nothing to everything is easy. From nothing to everything is hard," he says. "I sold the car, everything. I paid the 91,000 euro fine to the UCI due to the positive test, 70% of my earnings (130,000). I am trying to survive,” he says.

His son who is now three years old, provides him with the desire to live and return to cycling. "I could not sleep more than three hours a night, it was terrible. But I'm his father. I want to have dignity, not to be a swindler. I cannot do anything but start to ride again. I only have one bike which they gave me after the victory in the Giro. I knew I had to start again with a new base. I want to apologize to everyone and tell the truth, and that’s what I have done.

"The best thing was the Christmas card from my son. I have found the balance. When you ride, you live in a bubble, you feel honored and are not affected by the world's problems. When you get to the real life, it is hell. You do not you know how to take care of the laundry or go shopping. What has doping done?  It was only despair, nothing more. I know it will not be easy, but I still hope to return to competition. I know I can do it," she concludes in La Gazzetta dello Sport .